The 10 steps forward through grief, as I see them…

Grief starts with expression. Whether you like it or not, whether you try to hold it in or you intend to let it out, grief is going to be expressed. It may be a look on your face or your body language or it may be screaming, crying or even whaling. You may express anger, disbelief, shock, fear or heartbreak, but mostly you are expressing that you loved the deceased and that you miss them terribly. You express that you will never forget and never stop loving them even though they are no longer here. This is the natural channeling of the love you have no other way to express, but with that love comes anger, fear and heartbreak. Your world has changed forever, and your brain is processing that with all different emotions and chain reactions. This is normal and it is healthy to let it out whenever it wells up. In the beginning you may even let it out with such a magnitude that it feels like your soul is spilling out with every breath and tear, but this lessens with time. It really does.

At some point, you realize the deceased is not coming back. They are not in the next room. They are not waiting for you at home or coming around the corner in a minute. Your brain finally accepts the reality that they are gone forever and are never ever coming back. You realize that you will never see them again. This realization turns from a passing thought to a fact you now know is true.

You eventually make a decision to consciously try to continue on without the deceased, maybe even continue on for them, because your only other options are to intentionally join them as deceased or to be self-destructive until you accidentally join them as deceased. Those are really your only three options: end the suffering and join your loved one, wither and decline while waiting to join them or move forward and grow. It is a choice and you must consciously decide which path to take.

At some point you realize that you need to make some immediate changes. You decide to rejoin the world and make an effort to restore as much normalcy as possible. You take a shower. You get dressed. Maybe you even put on makeup or shave. You may recognize that you are self-medicating with excessive drinking, eating, sleeping, shopping, gambling, drugs or whatever and you decide to slow that down a bit so you are not doing it to excess. You try to eat better, sleep better, exercise... Maybe you just decide to "fake it until you make it" but you treat yourself a little better and restore a little "normal" back into your life.

You finally realize that no matter what you did or didn’t do, you can’t undo it and you can’t second guess it over and over again forever. You eventually let go of "should have done more" or "should have done less" and "should have done differently," for the most part. You let go of "what if I did" or "what if I didn’t" for the most part too. You realize that you are one person and you did the best you could at the moment, whether that was perfect or not. You realize that you did all you could do with the information you had at the time. You realize that you did not have a crystal ball to see the future. You could not foresee what would happen in the future nor how long that future would last. You realize that you were working with the facts you had at the time, not the facts you know now, and you finally forgive yourself for anything you think you should or should not have done. You did not know the path that would present itself nor how much time you would or would not have with the deceased. You forgive yourself and decide to let it go because you realize you can not change the past.

You start to understand that it is okay to be okay. You understand that laughing with friends, enjoying a nice meal, doing things you like is not a betrayal of the deceased. You understand that death is a part of life and if we are lucky enough to live a long life, many people we love will die in our lifetime. You understand that life does go on. You understand that it is okay to be happy. You understand that being happy does not tarnish your past memories nor indicate you loved the deceased any less. You understand that it is okay to be happy again.

You start to find things you are grateful for that are still left in your life. You become grateful for the time you did have with the deceased, because other people did not have that, but you did, and you become grateful for that. You replace the anger over losing your loved one so soon with the gratitude for having had them so long. You find gratitude for the good memories and the things that remain in your life past the death. You find gratitude for big things and small things. You find gratitude.... period.

You forgive the people you thought should have helped you before the death or been there for you after the death, because you realize everyone is just doing the best they can in life. Maybe they did not know what you needed at those times. You forgive the people who said stupid things or were insensitive, because they likely meant well, even if it did not sound or seem that way at the time. You forgive the people you thought should have been there either for you or for the deceased, but weren’t there at all. You realize that those people might not have known you needed them, they might not have know what to say or what to do, they might not have been able to handle the situation, or they might have had their own trials at the same time, which they did not share with you. You forgive everyone around you for everything related to the death and grief period. You start fresh, either by reaching out and trying to re-establish those old relationships, or just forgiving those people and moving on to build new relationships. You let go of the relationships you don’t want to re-establish or can’t re-establish because you realize that some relationships are not meant to continue on for whatever reason. You let those relationships go and focus on rejuvenating the remaining old relationships and cultivating new relationships.

You start to understand that widow, orphan, motherless child, childless father, sisterless brother, friendless person or whatever identity you have have been considering yourself is not a healthy identity and you try to visualize another, healthier identity for yourself. You find a new, positive identity, such as surviving child, professional person, independent woman, strong father, healthy sister, intelligent man, or creative individual. You might have multiple identities, but you focus on these new positive identities that are separate from your loss-identity. You exchange your grief-identity for these new identities more and more over time.

You create new routines, new habits, new traditions and new friendships. You explore new things, learn new things, try new things. You find substitute places to invest all of that love, energy, attention and care that you used to put into the relationship with the deceased. You invest it into strengthening relationships with children, family members, co-workers, friends or neighbors or into work, pets, charitable activities or hobbies. You find some way to invest your energy into things you enjoy, things that make you feel good, things that make you happy. You find new activities that you enjoy, new people to spend time with and new experiences that create new memories. You create a new normal, a new unchosen altered reality, filled with things that bring you joy, things you enjoy doing, things you may not have done before. You create your new normal, your new unchosen altered reality. You never forget the deceased, but you enjoy the remaining time you have left here in this world, because your new joys overcome your old grief… at least most of the time.